關心《愛．静仪》這件事的朋友：
你們好，你們會收到這封信，或多或少都會知道這個故事。而這個故事，今天已成「定局」。
在11 Apr 2009(SAT) 7:20PM-1050PM，我終於完成了最後一項需要親自去做的「任務」。這是我對她的一個承諾；也是為了《刺青者的故事》一文去「承題」（見後附參考）。
對於一般正常人去教堂是一件不必小題大作的事。但要一個無法走動的人，在沒有電梯的情況要上一層２樓高的教堂，又會是一件怎樣的事？我是被兩個人「抬」上去的，梯級一直向上，我的自尊一直在降。「禮拜」結速後，我又再次的被兩個人抬下，而我的自尊己不能再降。對於我，愛她我不一定需要犧牲性命，卻要失去所有的自尊。
二個小時「禮拜」的過程中，唱了一小時的「聖歌」，當中有英文、巫文、印度文，我仿佛在聽一場迷你演唱會。突然，一個電話打來，我講話大聽了，隔著一個位子的她對我說：「噓……」
我告知來電者，我在教堂，他說：「去教堂好。」
我心中想了一句：「MY God」
見著他們唱著歌、聽著歌，一時拍手掌；搖搖雙手；一時坐下；又再站起；突然又接合雙手、閉上眼睛祈禱，一個小時就過去了。
接下來是一小時「講教」的時段。因為明天是復活節，今天的主題是「耶穌復活」，我不懂英文，我手上拿著是中文版的聖經。我實不知臺上的牧師在講些什麼？講到那裡？我不時伸長著頸，看她讀到那一段，她知道我的用意，就指著她手上的那本英文聖經說：「John」
我就尋找John。Oh My God! 中文的 John 是什麼？我在想，終於想到是「約翰」。當我找到後，經題又轉，我又再伸長著頸，她又說「Luke xx:xx」，我又再找，心中終於忍不住，想到那個英文「Ｆ」字開頭的粗語。（後查到Luke，中文為：路易）
今天這個「耶穌復活」的主題很「應景」。耶穌復活的那一天，正是我感情死亡的那一日。我與她是兩個星球的人，如果要在兩顆星球上間加上一段距離的話，我認為是一萬光年。我很愛她，漸漸地我發現，我的出現是她的為難。我不知還能怎樣走下去？而我更是永遠不能用雙腳去走的人。我身上的傷口流著血，眼睛流著淚，卻又留不住她那遙遠的心，最終讓她溜走，溜不去的卻又是永留在我心中，承諾對她一生的愛。最終宣告結論：「我今生已失去戀愛的機會」，簡稱「終生失戀」。
我很感謝這裡曾為我「祝福」與幫助過我的朋友，特別是以下的幾位：
我妹妹：妳是我的「公關」，一切故事的發生，沒有妳是不可能做到的。
謝仰興：你在吉降坡用了五個小時，為我尋行「水晶白鴿」。見到你雙腳走到酸的樣子，讓我愧疚不已。今天「Dove Girl」飛走了。還是很喜歡聽到你的那一句：「That is normal」。
羊小姐：我真的很榮幸找到妳這位加拿大留學生，為我翻譯「情書」。妳的中英文水平真是很好，妳是朱老師最看好的門生，「文化轉訊」的責任都要放在你們身上了。
商余版主編：很感謝你刊登我的「情書」。
這是我的「私愛」，對於你們的幫助，我銘感五內，盡在不言中。在《愛．静仪》這個過程中，我學懂了真心、真誠，也許我少了自我保護的能力，但這樣做人自在很多。我不知在你們的眼中會怎樣看待這個「廢人」，而我已當收到這封信的你們是「好朋友」。不論你們對這個故事有什麼看法？我都希望你們能有所「體悟」。
客觀而言，靜儀是一個絕色、出色的女孩子，所以，故事一開始，我已預料到今天這個結局。然而，她對我的吸引；命中的註定，使我不得不走上這個過程。她一直都認為「基督教」可以幫到我，但認識我的人都應該知道我是什麼「門派」的，特別是羊小姐就更清楚。任何的宗教都有自己的一套「完美」的系統，我們只有選擇信或不信。我不會對這些宗教有所批評，在系統下，外人更是無從去批評。說實話，她去教堂是「信主」，我去教堂是「愛她」，終於耶穌也被我在當天「氣活」了，所以明天成了「復活節」。
以下是《愛．静仪》的部份文稿，而在報章刊登的都是這本書內的章節。只是書中有太多悲觀且苦的「心路歷程」，我是沒有公開過的，因為這個世界總是需要「美麗的童話」。所以，你們看到都是報章主編認為是「好的一面」。當然，這些「好的一面」內容也都是絕對真實的。
其中一些未被公開的章節：
「……試問，誰又願意找一個殘障且傷悲的人，談心事；尋歡樂？那種無形的歧視，比有形的傷害更為可怕，可怕！幸福的人不願沾染悲傷；悲傷的人卻在祈望幸福！對於幸福，我已無處可尋。……」
「……我清楚知道，對她的愛已永無休此的加深。除了生命的結束，我再也找不到任何的理由放下她。這是我這一生、再世的承諾！……」
「……我又能再等什麼？等什麼？又等什麼？我嘗試過，放棄過，又再嘗試，再而放棄。結果不曾有結果；悲劇重複著悲劇。……」
「……我停了好一陣子，思空了，心痛著，愛就是這麼一回事。我又流淚，但願身心一同葬！不可忘卻！不能忘卻！只有沉睡而不再清醒！……」
請問以上這一類的「消極悲觀論」我能正式公開嗎？如果網友還是有興趣《愛．静仪》一書的內文，請回應告訴我。
註：我的網誌是不依Blog日期發布，只因這是我本身的日記。
2009年4月2日 星期四
愛的味道
雙腿殘障十五載的生涯，因為她的出現，讓我一直在改變，她讓我嘗試過生命中無數次的第一次。她是我在二百一十三天前，病重時，醫院認識的藥劑師。上個聖誕她邀請我去聖誕午餐。因為念她，愛她，我帶著自卑的心態，踏出人生第一步，勇敢地面對三百對的目光。在醫院最難嗅的是藥物氣味，但在她身上我卻感受到人情味。
這個情人節，是我第一次送花給女孩子，送花給她。粉紅色玫瑰很香，我在意的卻是她，希望花的芳芬，能代替我表達那不能說的三個字。我清楚知道這是永遠追求不到的夢想，但我感謝她讓我繼續編織這個夢。因為她，我相信生命就是希望，既使我與她此生無份在一起，以我一生愛她一世，會是我的承諾。
今天是我第一次吃「肉醬意粉」，更是我第一次吃她煮的食物。意大利麵配上酸中帶甜的醬料，別有一番風味。這是我今生難以忘記的味道，難以忘懷的更是她煮出的味道。愛她似如非一般的酸甜滋味，再酸，我也不會放棄愛她；再難，我也會繼續走下去，因為我愛她，我永愛静仪！愛其實是甜的。
我祈願著，在她六十歲生日的那一天，既使我在海角一處，她在天涯一方，彼此相約喝一杯淡淡的咖啡，而「愛的味道」卻是香濃的。我不太懂得偉大的愛，只知道能從「小愛」開始，惜愛眼前人，離婚、單親兒童的社會問題都會少很多。
也許在別人的眼中，我深愛她是一種無奈，但我卻幸運自己已確認尋到一生中最愛！願她一生幸福，是我一世的祝福！更願天下人尋得一心一意的真愛，同偕白首！
英譯版（小綿羊網友修正）[English Version (adjusted by my netfriend Sheep)]
The Flavor of Love
With both legs paralysed for 15 years, I have been changing ever since she appeared in my life. She has been letting me experiencing many first times in life. She is the pharmacist I met in hopsital 213 days ago, when I was seriously ill. Last Christmas, she invites me to the Christmas lunch. Because of missing her and loving her, I stepped out for the first time of my life, bravely confronted 300 pairs of eyes, despite of my lack of self-confidence. While the hospital was filled with the bad smell of drugs, all I could sense was her touch of humanity.
This Valentine's Day, I bought flowers for a girl for the first time of my life. I gave her the flowers. The pink rose was very fragrant, but all I cared was her. I hoped that the flower fragrance could replace the three words which I wanted to express, but not able to speak out. I clearly knew this is a forever unreachable dream, but I thank her for letting me continue to weave this dream. Because of her, I believed that life is hope. Even this life I can never be with her, I promise, I will love her forever.
Today is my first time eating "meat sauce spaghetti", it is also my first time tasting the food she cooks. The spaghetti was accompanied by a sauce which is both sour and sweet, the taste was very special. This is a flavor difficult to forget, what's more difficult to forget is the flavor of her cooking. The flavor of loving her is nothing trivial. Though sour, I will not give up loving her ; though difficult, I will keep going on, because I love her, I will love Ching Ye forever! Loves is actually sweet.
I am wishing, on the day of her 60th birthday, even we may slipt apart for long distance, we would gather to have some light coffee, in which "the flavor of love" is however heavy. I do not understand much about the great love for humanity, I only know to start with the most ordinary love, treasuring those around us, then social problems such as divorce and single-parent child would be much reduced.
Perhaps in others' eyes, my deep love for her is kind of helpless, but I feel lucky to find the love of my life! I wish her happy for the rest of her life! I also hope that all people can find the love of their life, and stay together until their hair turn white.
By Song Kok Chiang
這個情人節，是我第一次送花給女孩子，送花給她。粉紅色玫瑰很香，我在意的卻是她，希望花的芳芬，能代替我表達那不能說的三個字。我清楚知道這是永遠追求不到的夢想，但我感謝她讓我繼續編織這個夢。因為她，我相信生命就是希望，既使我與她此生無份在一起，以我一生愛她一世，會是我的承諾。
今天是我第一次吃「肉醬意粉」，更是我第一次吃她煮的食物。意大利麵配上酸中帶甜的醬料，別有一番風味。這是我今生難以忘記的味道，難以忘懷的更是她煮出的味道。愛她似如非一般的酸甜滋味，再酸，我也不會放棄愛她；再難，我也會繼續走下去，因為我愛她，我永愛静仪！愛其實是甜的。
我祈願著，在她六十歲生日的那一天，既使我在海角一處，她在天涯一方，彼此相約喝一杯淡淡的咖啡，而「愛的味道」卻是香濃的。我不太懂得偉大的愛，只知道能從「小愛」開始，惜愛眼前人，離婚、單親兒童的社會問題都會少很多。
也許在別人的眼中，我深愛她是一種無奈，但我卻幸運自己已確認尋到一生中最愛！願她一生幸福，是我一世的祝福！更願天下人尋得一心一意的真愛，同偕白首！
英譯版（小綿羊網友修正）[English Version (adjusted by my netfriend Sheep)]
The Flavor of Love
With both legs paralysed for 15 years, I have been changing ever since she appeared in my life. She has been letting me experiencing many first times in life. She is the pharmacist I met in hopsital 213 days ago, when I was seriously ill. Last Christmas, she invites me to the Christmas lunch. Because of missing her and loving her, I stepped out for the first time of my life, bravely confronted 300 pairs of eyes, despite of my lack of self-confidence. While the hospital was filled with the bad smell of drugs, all I could sense was her touch of humanity.
This Valentine's Day, I bought flowers for a girl for the first time of my life. I gave her the flowers. The pink rose was very fragrant, but all I cared was her. I hoped that the flower fragrance could replace the three words which I wanted to express, but not able to speak out. I clearly knew this is a forever unreachable dream, but I thank her for letting me continue to weave this dream. Because of her, I believed that life is hope. Even this life I can never be with her, I promise, I will love her forever.
Today is my first time eating "meat sauce spaghetti", it is also my first time tasting the food she cooks. The spaghetti was accompanied by a sauce which is both sour and sweet, the taste was very special. This is a flavor difficult to forget, what's more difficult to forget is the flavor of her cooking. The flavor of loving her is nothing trivial. Though sour, I will not give up loving her ; though difficult, I will keep going on, because I love her, I will love Ching Ye forever! Loves is actually sweet.
I am wishing, on the day of her 60th birthday, even we may slipt apart for long distance, we would gather to have some light coffee, in which "the flavor of love" is however heavy. I do not understand much about the great love for humanity, I only know to start with the most ordinary love, treasuring those around us, then social problems such as divorce and single-parent child would be much reduced.
Perhaps in others' eyes, my deep love for her is kind of helpless, but I feel lucky to find the love of my life! I wish her happy for the rest of her life! I also hope that all people can find the love of their life, and stay together until their hair turn white.
By Song Kok Chiang
刺青者的故事
那是去年十一月在士拉央醫院發生的事。記得那個早上，我趟在病床上，剛睡醒不久，看到一位赤裸上半身的男人從我對面的洗手間走出，他身上紋滿二條巨大的青龍圖案，前後各一條。這是我在電影之外，第一次看到真實的刺青。通常有這樣刺青的人，多是「私會黨」中的要員，香港人稱之「江湖大佬」。
晚上七點多左右，那位刺青者抬了張椅子走到我的床邊坐下。我心中害怕，以為他找我「講數」（香港俚語，中解：談判）。
他看看我雙腳，問：「你因什麼事進來？你的腳不能動的嗎？」
我實話實說：「我雙腳廢了十多年，這次入院是治療癌症。」
他有點吃驚，也許他不曾遇過這樣悲慘的人，他沉默了半分鐘：「對不起，我不該問起你的傷心事。」
我說：「我看重生命，但對自己的生死卻看得很淡，你不必介懷。」
他接著說：「我以前也做過很多錯事，你看我身上的紋身都應該知道。」
我答：「身上的污漬也許清除不易，但你已學懂去除內心的污漬。」
他笑笑，走開了。
他是來照顧他父親的，在這二個星期裡，他經常幫助有需要的病人。後來，我無意中聽到他與別人談話，才知道他每個星期都去教堂，而他沒有宗教信仰，只是陪伴老婆去，因為他愛她。
也許是教義改變了他，更因為他愛她老婆，願意改變自己；改好自己。這也使我明白到，我雙腳雖然廢，但心與腦還是正常的，我也有心愛的靜儀，她也是能讓我改變自己的人。很多的真實故事，都告知我們，絕望中總有一些希望。我以這個小故事，願每位「絕望人」重現新希望。
英譯版（再次感謝網友小羊為我做翻譯）[English Version (Again, thanks my netfriend Sheep for the translation)]
Story of the Tattoo Man
It happened in Hospital Selayang last November. That morning, I was lying in bed, just woke up. I saw a half-naked man came out from the toilet facing my bed. He had two dragon tatto, on the front and back side of his body. This is the first time I saw real tattoo, beside from movies. People who have this kind of tattoo are usually gansters, Hong Kong people call them "Big brothers".
Seven o'clock in the evening, the tattoo man took a chair and sat by my bedside. I was affraid.
He looked at my legs and asked: "Why do you come here? Your legs can't move?"
I told him the truth: "My legs have been paralysed for over ten years, this time I come here for cancer treatment."
He was a bit surprised, maybe he never met anyone as miserable. After half-minute silence, He said: "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have asked about your sad story."
I said: "I cherish life, but take my own life and death very lightly, you don't have to be sorry."
He continued: "I did many wrong things before, you can see that from my tattoo."
I answered: "Maybe it's difficult to wash off stains on the body, but you have learnt how to clean up the stains in your heart."
He smiled and walked away.
He came here to take care of his father. During these two weeks, he always helped those in need. One day, I unintentionally heard his conversation with other people, and learnt that he attends church every week. He does not have any religious belief, he only goes there with his wife, because he loves her.
Maybe the religion changed him, but it's more because he loves his wife, that he's willing to change himself. This makes me understand, althought my legs are paralysed, my heart and my brain function normally, and I have my beloved Ching Ye(Michelle), she is the one who makes me change.
Many true stories have told us, there is always hope in despair. I wish this little story would bring hope to all desperate people.
晚上七點多左右，那位刺青者抬了張椅子走到我的床邊坐下。我心中害怕，以為他找我「講數」（香港俚語，中解：談判）。
他看看我雙腳，問：「你因什麼事進來？你的腳不能動的嗎？」
我實話實說：「我雙腳廢了十多年，這次入院是治療癌症。」
他有點吃驚，也許他不曾遇過這樣悲慘的人，他沉默了半分鐘：「對不起，我不該問起你的傷心事。」
我說：「我看重生命，但對自己的生死卻看得很淡，你不必介懷。」
他接著說：「我以前也做過很多錯事，你看我身上的紋身都應該知道。」
我答：「身上的污漬也許清除不易，但你已學懂去除內心的污漬。」
他笑笑，走開了。
他是來照顧他父親的，在這二個星期裡，他經常幫助有需要的病人。後來，我無意中聽到他與別人談話，才知道他每個星期都去教堂，而他沒有宗教信仰，只是陪伴老婆去，因為他愛她。
也許是教義改變了他，更因為他愛她老婆，願意改變自己；改好自己。這也使我明白到，我雙腳雖然廢，但心與腦還是正常的，我也有心愛的靜儀，她也是能讓我改變自己的人。很多的真實故事，都告知我們，絕望中總有一些希望。我以這個小故事，願每位「絕望人」重現新希望。
英譯版（再次感謝網友小羊為我做翻譯）[English Version (Again, thanks my netfriend Sheep for the translation)]
Story of the Tattoo Man
It happened in Hospital Selayang last November. That morning, I was lying in bed, just woke up. I saw a half-naked man came out from the toilet facing my bed. He had two dragon tatto, on the front and back side of his body. This is the first time I saw real tattoo, beside from movies. People who have this kind of tattoo are usually gansters, Hong Kong people call them "Big brothers".
Seven o'clock in the evening, the tattoo man took a chair and sat by my bedside. I was affraid.
He looked at my legs and asked: "Why do you come here? Your legs can't move?"
I told him the truth: "My legs have been paralysed for over ten years, this time I come here for cancer treatment."
He was a bit surprised, maybe he never met anyone as miserable. After half-minute silence, He said: "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have asked about your sad story."
I said: "I cherish life, but take my own life and death very lightly, you don't have to be sorry."
He continued: "I did many wrong things before, you can see that from my tattoo."
I answered: "Maybe it's difficult to wash off stains on the body, but you have learnt how to clean up the stains in your heart."
He smiled and walked away.
He came here to take care of his father. During these two weeks, he always helped those in need. One day, I unintentionally heard his conversation with other people, and learnt that he attends church every week. He does not have any religious belief, he only goes there with his wife, because he loves her.
Maybe the religion changed him, but it's more because he loves his wife, that he's willing to change himself. This makes me understand, althought my legs are paralysed, my heart and my brain function normally, and I have my beloved Ching Ye(Michelle), she is the one who makes me change.
Many true stories have told us, there is always hope in despair. I wish this little story would bring hope to all desperate people.
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